Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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