We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
