I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
