Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
