Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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