I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Couch. On fire.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
