Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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