so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
ttyl tear gas
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
