Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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