All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
