I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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