Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
