You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
