He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
