She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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