well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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