so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
