I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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