I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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