Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
