I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
