Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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