Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
