Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
