ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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