I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
