this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
