he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
only you would photoshop your dick
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
