I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
