When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
