and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
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Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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