the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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