just come out here and I will go home with you...
I need to stop coming to work sober
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Randomize
