hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
