If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
