This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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