She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
