glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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