I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
