how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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