WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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