I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
