mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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