I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
whose parrot is this?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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