is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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