I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
