Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
jump out the window naked night went bad
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