Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
