Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
