did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
