Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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