she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
