he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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