i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
