so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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