you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This is classic penis vs brain.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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