She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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