I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
